confidence gets a boost or maybe I should wear my wigs?

Normal hair grows about a half inch per month. Mine has always been slow and it feels like it has really been slow coming in. Finally in January I was ready for my first professional cut in 10 months. It had actually started to get "long" for my tastes (if 1 1/2 inches can ever be long) and I was ready to exert a little control over it. Even though I have received a lot of compliments on my short hair - some from complete strangers - I have been wanting something that had some purpose and that I controlled. As my stylist said the key to super short hair is having some details so that people know you intended for it to look that way. So she snipped away here and there and I walked out with a big grin. I was happy for a few days but slowly it started to weigh on me that I still didn't feel like I had accomplish what I had intended. It just didn't feel dramatic enough. My next move was to pick up some hair color. I decided a nice red was warranted. That also didn't seem to do the trick. A few restless days later I pulled out the clippers and went shorter. Todd really liked my hair when it was super short (~1/2 inch - 1 inch maybe) - I know, I'm as shocked as anyone!  So, I figured it was worth a shot to take off some more length.  It still doesn't seem to satisfy my need to control my hair and make it look the way I wanted it to (no need to point out that I'm probably not qualified to be own hair stylist). The main problem is probably that the texture has changed significantly in the last five months and it also grew in quite sparsely at first. It started out as a very fine super-blond and then grew thicker and darker over the first 1/4 inch. So when my hair was 1/2 inch long it was a completely different texture and color than it is now. I think I will need to just be patient, let it grow a bit, and not be too dramatic. Since it's so short there's no doubt I'll alternatively want to cut and grow it every few weeks. On the other hand it also may change color and texture again without any interference from me. I have never in my life had hair this thick and it's anyone's guess if it will last. I do have to admit that I love the ease of washing and "styling" it. I think that if I can just be confident that it looks purposeful then I should be okay to not mess with it too much. Or, if it really bugs me I could always pull my wigs back out and put them on for fun.

oh if only I had hair...

When I cut my hair short it was all a preemptive strike against the shock and emotional stress of loosing long locks of hair on my pillow or in the shower. I had a very short buzz cut when I went into the hospital for my second treatment. Since my cycles were three weeks apart that's exactly the time when my hair was scheduled to start to fall out. Sure enough when I was sitting in my hospital bed I started to play with my super short hair. Some part of me was still clinging to the thought that perhaps clippering my hair was a bad idea - i.e. that it would never fall out and that this would have been a big waste. But there I was, playing with my little stubble and having little tufts of hair come out. By the time I made it home from the hospital I had some random bald spots. I suppose I should have taken pictures, but trust me, it wasn't very pretty. So, the next morning I took at razor to my head and shaved it all off. The great news was that my eyelashes and eyebrows didn't seem to be affected. Sure, they would fall out, but there was no real noticeable increase in the number of lashes that would come off when I washed my mascara off. That is of course until around the time that my 5th treatment started. Then they seemed to want to head for the hills and fall out with no indication that there would be reinforcements. I now have one long eyelash on my left eye (not that they were ever anything but puny) and about 5 on my right. Then I have a bunch of little sprouts that are about a milimeter long. But I have no idea if they'll fall out again or if these will be in it for the long haul. Last week I even bought false eyelashes just to wear for some big meetings at work without feeling self conscious. Since my last treatment my hair new hair started to come in a little bit, but the tips are very blond. Of course about a week ago (remember that was about 3 weeks after my last treatment) even the new blond hair was falling out. It has dark brown roots, so it's anyone's guess what the actual color will be once it's filled in. Total length at this point is about 1/4 inch. I am guessing that it will grow about the same amount over the next month and then settle into the 1/2 in per month that's a normal rate of growth.

However, hope springs eternal and since chemo ended almost four weeks ago I am optimistic that my hair and lashes will start growing at some noticeable clip faster than that. Unfortunately no scientific medical information seems to be available. Doctors either don't want to give you an average time-line because they don't want to disappoint you or the general medical community just doesn't care. I kind of get that - the more important clinical work is on refining the chemo drugs so I'll survive, not in studying if/when I'll have luxurious lashes and eyebrows again. Yeah - I'm thinking of the t-shirt "chemo ate my eyebrows". Until then I'll be wearing false lashes, pink wigs, and colorful scarves.

hair today, gone tomorrow and other uncluttering

If you've followed things this far you know that baldness is in my future. "They" say it's one of those things you should embrace on your own terms and preempt. So I have invited some of my posse to help and/or heckle as I attack the locks that have threatened to fail me. (if ya want to join the party it's 4/29 at 8 pm at my house). Think of it like a preemptive strike (George W ought to be so proud). I might even feel up to drinking 1/2 a glass of non-approved wine or beer. Or maybe it's better to not drink and use clippers, which probably fall into some category of "power tools"... I mean what could go wrong? It's not like it could come out uneven. Many people have been kind enough to ask how I am going to cope emotionally with this very sensitive topic - remember how concerned my doctor was? I am probably a bit more pragmatic and just have to quote one of my friends who said "You will immediately see the efficiency in the whole hair loss thing and embrace it. It is very liberating." I appreciate that and have been known to cut my hair short for the sole purpose of reducing maintenance time. Not that I am necessarily proposing it as a permanent solution, but if you consider the efficiency. I would be trading ALL THIS:

For THIS:

Seems like a good deal from an uncluttering perspective. Then factor in the fact that a moderately priced haircut/color costs between $30-$100 plus tip every 6-8 weeks and a good wig can be purchased on the internet for ~$150... I think you're starting to see that there are multiple upsides and potentially even envy me now, aren't you?