Thursday, November 20, 2014

Do they know it's been 4 years?

There are a lot of people who have entered my life in the last four years. It's actually quite astounding to me how many people I know who I consider good friends - or at the very least people I like and want to hang out with. Yet I am surprised again and again how easy it is to not think about what I've been through. I've put it so far behind me that I sometimes find it very odd to tell anyone about my cancer. I still don't want to admit that it impacts me. I don't like the feeling that it has power over me. So I don't often bring it up - and more likely, when it does become a topic of conversation I feel like I need to apologize, or hastily tell people that it was / is "no big deal". I don't want their sympathy, but I feel like a fraud to dismiss how my world was thrown head-over-heels into chaos. I feel like a liar to say "don't worry about it, I'm fine." I don't actually know that I'm fine, but I'm repeating the lie I tell to myself. And yes, this is that time of year when I go in for another checkup. So if you're one of the people who still gets the automated emails with my blog updates then you can expect an update shortly about how year-4 came and went. And I can lie to myself for another year until I hit the big 5 - and then maybe I'll start believing the lie - because the sad part is that you're never actually in the clear...

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