Do they know it's been 4 years?

There are a lot of people who have entered my life in the last four years. It's actually quite astounding to me how many people I know who I consider good friends - or at the very least people I like and want to hang out with. Yet I am surprised again and again how easy it is to not think about what I've been through. I've put it so far behind me that I sometimes find it very odd to tell anyone about my cancer. I still don't want to admit that it impacts me. I don't like the feeling that it has power over me. So I don't often bring it up - and more likely, when it does become a topic of conversation I feel like I need to apologize, or hastily tell people that it was / is "no big deal". I don't want their sympathy, but I feel like a fraud to dismiss how my world was thrown head-over-heels into chaos. I feel like a liar to say "don't worry about it, I'm fine." I don't actually know that I'm fine, but I'm repeating the lie I tell to myself. And yes, this is that time of year when I go in for another checkup. So if you're one of the people who still gets the automated emails with my blog updates then you can expect an update shortly about how year-4 came and went. And I can lie to myself for another year until I hit the big 5 - and then maybe I'll start believing the lie - because the sad part is that you're never actually in the clear...

Almost there...

About a year ago I started a post called "1/2 way there". I don't know why I never finished it enough to hit the publish button. Maybe it was a busy day and I got distracted doing something else. I don't know that I enjoyed the distraction any better. So instead the posts have languished. I have been busy being a dutiful mom, loving wife, good employee, engaged citizen, and detail oriented PTA treasurer. I guess writing a blog that most people don't follow anymore didn't seem like the top priority. But every once in a while my mind wanders to those women whose blogs I came across when I was in the midst of my own treatment. I want so desperately for them to be okay. And sometimes I try to search for them. But that was years ago and I didn't bookmark them.  Rather I have transient images burned into my brain of women with no hair, going through something so tangibly real to me. And so I promised myself that I would not drop off the blogosphere forever. I would finish my story for good or ill. And fortunately, there is no ill in my life right now. I've been following my check-up plans. I am now on the 6-month rotation and have hit the 3.5 years no-news-is-good-news point. Not *the* major milestone that will come at 5 years, but damn it if it's not great news.  I am pleased as punch that I have nothing to write about. If it weren't for this stupid summer cold I would say I'm perfectly healthy.  And so with that I will sign off - probably until November, because then we'll be at 4 years post-treatment.