Friday, December 3, 2010

Looking at the new normal

I have to apologize to anyone who has been following my progress and wellbeing via the blog. I promised myself that I would use the blog to tell people things that were going on and to update it somewhat frequently and with honesty. But since I finished treatment in October that commitment seems to have flown out the window. No, I haven’t been fibbing – but I certainly have neglected writing and sharing for the past month. Part of me wonders whether people have moved on since I’m not posting and am now just in “surveillance” mode. To combat that I am wrapping my head around the concept that it’s okay to write without trying to second guess who’s reading this now - or in the future. Another part is that I’ve been incredibly busy. As treatment wound down, I dialed back up my responsibilities at work.  Now the filp-side is true. In the last two weeks I have facilitated one training and attended two others. This meant traveling cross-country to Florida, Wilton Connecticut, and Chicago.  Throw on top of that Thanksgiving travel, three snow-days where the kids were out of school and you’ve got yourself a full agenda. Looking in to the future also planning travel to Santa Fe in two weeks. So now you’re probably wondering what spurned the return to the blog or what exciting topic would make me pick up the pen… er… laptop. I certainly have missed writing and have felt a tug towards getting proverbial pen to paper, but alas it is not solely for those reasons that I am writing today. As I mentioned I went to a training this week. I ran into many people I had not seen since last year’s training. Some of them knew I had cancer; others had no idea. I had to re-tell my (now shortened into almost an elevator pitch) story on how I’m doing. I so desperately wanted to just say: “I had cancer, and I’m cured.”  Instead it was more likely to come out: “I had cancer, but at this point things look fine, but only time will tell.” I know there’s a whole book published on life after cancer (which I’m not going to read) but this is a brave new world for me. I have been desperate to get back to normal, but I’m not able (and frankly not willing) to give up the acknowledgement that this has permanently changed me. Let’s just hope it’s for the better, right?  

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