A week has passed since my penultimate cycle of Chemo. My 6th and last session will be on August 2nd. Then three or so weeks later I will start the 5-6 weeks of daily radiation treatment. Being this close to the end of chemo makes me feel like the whole regiment of treatment is almost over. That’s certainly how others are treating it. “Yeah! You’re almost done” come the cheers from the supporters. “Yeah!” I think to myself. Yet there’s this nagging unknown of how the radiation is going to affect me. A simple internet search will give you a bunch of horror stories of women who had terrible experiences of burns, fatigue and other nasty side effects. So I am torn between tough Michelle and vulnerable Michelle. Tough Michelle signed up to do a ½ marathon about 10 days after radiation is scheduled to complete. Vulnerable Michelle decided to NOT do the Danskin triathlon in August.
In the book “Crazy Sexy Cancer” one of the women shares how she had felt that being fatigued was “Doing cancer the wrong way” because people had expected her to be strong. Sometimes I feel like that. I’m supposed to be tough, right? Shouldn’t any sign of weakness be eradicated? Since I’m only human and both sides of the coin will show up periodically. I've considered how cool it would be if I had come up with a superhero persona like baldylocks (http://baldylocks.blogspot.com/) or chemobabe (http://www.chemobabe.com/). Then maybe I could more clearly differentiate between the ass-kicking Michelle who ran/jogged/walked 4 miles on Sunday and the beat-down Michelle who crawled back in bed for a nap that same afternoon.
I even feel that maybe I’m not fulfilling my full potential by just sort of casually blogging. I’m getting lots of awesome wonderful supporting messages from people who read my blog, but somehow I feel like I should be doing more. I was warned about this by a friend of mine. She insisted that I not make a bucket list; otherwise when this whole thing is over I would be left feeling like I had to quit my job to go do all the things on my list. So I’m not sure what I should be doing, but in thinking about this I was reminded of a story one of my wonderful sisters tells about me. When I was about 8 or 9 years old I was sent to bed. I clearly didn’t want to go and stomped up the stairs. About ½ way up I turned around, raised my finger into the air and declared: “I will rid the world of injustice”. Cute, right? Can’t you just imagine me with an indignant look on my face, finger raised in admonishment to all the oppression and oppressors everywhere? So, I am not saying that I’m going to quit my job and become some sort of activist (mainly becuase I love my job and I'm good at it), but I am spending a lot more time wondering how to make the world a better place.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Time’s fun when you’re having flies
Or at least that’s what Kermit the Frog used to say. Any number of clichés could describe what it’s like to wait for the next cycle of chemo or the next CAT scan or biopsy result. I actually had a CAT scan Thursday of last week (7/8/2010). Once they got me going it only took 10 minutes. Waiting for the results on the other hand took another 30 hours until my doctor’s appointment on Friday. The results were negative (which is STILL positive). I didn’t have as much anticipation for this scan as I thought I would. It was sort of anticlimactic and I just took it in stride. At that point I thought I had come to terms with my treatment and cancer. I make fun of it. No, I didn't hope to spend age 35-40 wondering if the cancer would come back. And my 40th birthday party will hopefully be one hell of a "completely f-ing cancer-free" bash! I know I technically won't be considered "cured" until closer to my 41st, but I'll take the little victories.
Since the last scan was so “easy” I wanted to know what the future holds today I asked the doctor what the foreseeable scans/tests would be. It looks like I’ll be getting CAT scans (not PET) from here on out. He said the PET scans are best used up front, and after that point CAT scans are what he prefers to use. Todd will probably now launch an investigation into the medical journal Gynecological Oncology (favorite reading these days) to see what’s standard industry practice.
For those into the logistics, my schedule will be somewhat along the following lines. I will get a CAT scan in about 6-8 weeks (end of August/beginning Sept), right before I start radiation. Then I will have 5-6 weeks of radiation therapy and I will get another CAT scan at the end of that (mid-end October). I think I will get CAT scans every 6 months for 5 years with other tests in between.
Then sitting here in the hospital getting infused with round 5 of chemo (see me in comfy shirt and *gasp* no makeup), I tempted fate and asked my doctor the kicker of a question. The one I didn’t really want to ask, but that is always lurking in my mind. I asked him what he thought my chances for cure were given how far treatment has progressed and my most recent CAT scan results. I was sort of surprised that they haven’t changed since the beginning: 85% chance of survival. It makes sense – the chances don’t change much because it’s all based on overall survival etc. We talked a bit more about the incidence of recurrence etc. Todd and I have already speculated a lot about what the point is at which you start to relax a little. Per my doctor (and he IS the expert) about 60-80 percent of the cases of recurrence are in the first two years. The clock officially starts ticking when I’m done with radiation. So October 2012 will be a good time to check back in.
Since the last scan was so “easy” I wanted to know what the future holds today I asked the doctor what the foreseeable scans/tests would be. It looks like I’ll be getting CAT scans (not PET) from here on out. He said the PET scans are best used up front, and after that point CAT scans are what he prefers to use. Todd will probably now launch an investigation into the medical journal Gynecological Oncology (favorite reading these days) to see what’s standard industry practice.
For those into the logistics, my schedule will be somewhat along the following lines. I will get a CAT scan in about 6-8 weeks (end of August/beginning Sept), right before I start radiation. Then I will have 5-6 weeks of radiation therapy and I will get another CAT scan at the end of that (mid-end October). I think I will get CAT scans every 6 months for 5 years with other tests in between.
Then sitting here in the hospital getting infused with round 5 of chemo (see me in comfy shirt and *gasp* no makeup), I tempted fate and asked my doctor the kicker of a question. The one I didn’t really want to ask, but that is always lurking in my mind. I asked him what he thought my chances for cure were given how far treatment has progressed and my most recent CAT scan results. I was sort of surprised that they haven’t changed since the beginning: 85% chance of survival. It makes sense – the chances don’t change much because it’s all based on overall survival etc. We talked a bit more about the incidence of recurrence etc. Todd and I have already speculated a lot about what the point is at which you start to relax a little. Per my doctor (and he IS the expert) about 60-80 percent of the cases of recurrence are in the first two years. The clock officially starts ticking when I’m done with radiation. So October 2012 will be a good time to check back in.
what a post about something other than cancer?
Last Monday (July 5th) Todd and I celebrated 7 years of wedded bliss. This entailed gettin' the heck out of dodge and going to the Bay Area for a few days without the kids. My mom braved Katarina and Sebastian and also two of my 11 year old (adorable, smart, and helpful) nieces. While the cousins enjoyed each other, the science center, duck rides (the boat/car combination; not the animal), and swimming, Todd and I toured some of the Bay Area's more expensive towns. We had sushi in Berkeley, breakfast in Palo Alto, and lunch at In-N-Out. It was a great little getaway and we contemplated things like what we were going to do when Todd finishes his PhD. It was starting to get close; in fact I was sort of hoping that he would graduate May 2010. Then of course I derailed his plan by getting you-know-what. Todd has been a real gem. He banned me from dropping off and picking up the kids from school so I wouldn't pick up random cold/flu/strep. He cooks and cleans and is generally just about perfect. But being perfect at home also limited his ability to focus on writing a masterpiece of a thesis. So the only frustration I would admit to is that I've emotionally been putting things on hold waiting for Todd to finish school and start applying for jobs. I don't actually necessarily like to "do" things, but I like to pretend that I'm going to do them. Sort of like window shopping for life.
In preparation for this day we've *gasp* considered moving someplace else. There are so many benefits to Seattle, but there's something to be said for our other places as well. This weekend afforded us the opportunity to see my sister and really evaluate whether we wanted to move back to California. Being closer to family is a huge consideration. That, and I have been so sick and tired of the rain and gloom in Seattle that I was about to go bonkers. Somehow the gods of sunshine heard me cursing their name because it's been 90 degrees the past two days and today's supposed to be equally sweltering. I don't mind making decisions, but right now I'm feeling like Jack on 30 Rock when he was deciding between Avery and Nancy.
I think the end conclusion is that if we moved to the Bay Area we would want to be in Palo Alto, but since it's one of the top 5 most expensive places to live, we probably can't really afford it until/unless I make partner and/or Todd strikes it rich with a fancy invention.
In preparation for this day we've *gasp* considered moving someplace else. There are so many benefits to Seattle, but there's something to be said for our other places as well. This weekend afforded us the opportunity to see my sister and really evaluate whether we wanted to move back to California. Being closer to family is a huge consideration. That, and I have been so sick and tired of the rain and gloom in Seattle that I was about to go bonkers. Somehow the gods of sunshine heard me cursing their name because it's been 90 degrees the past two days and today's supposed to be equally sweltering. I don't mind making decisions, but right now I'm feeling like Jack on 30 Rock when he was deciding between Avery and Nancy.
I think the end conclusion is that if we moved to the Bay Area we would want to be in Palo Alto, but since it's one of the top 5 most expensive places to live, we probably can't really afford it until/unless I make partner and/or Todd strikes it rich with a fancy invention.
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